I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
