Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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