I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
