ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
It's rum buckets o'clock
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
