im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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