I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Randomize
