I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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