Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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