i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
