I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
