Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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