All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
