Define "chronic" masturbator.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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