Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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