i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
