Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
