I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
