i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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