I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
