YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
wanna go halves on a baby?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
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