what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
