Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
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