Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
How external is "for external use only"?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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