I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
