I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
