I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
