Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
