WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Princesses don't give blow jobs
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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