can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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