Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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