No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm like, not good at living.
Randomize
