Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize