He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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