you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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