he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
