I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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