I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
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you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
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You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
You were trust falling into bushes
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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