Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
