We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize