I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
