I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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