woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
how drunk are you?
Several
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
