need another drink. this is the easiest way
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
