Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
