I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
You may now shotgun with the bride
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
