You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
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I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
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I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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