it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
