I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
