Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Randomize
