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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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