drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
