I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I wish there were birth control emojis
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
