Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
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No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
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It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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